Give Yourself Time

For obvious reasons, I have not felt like myself lately. Things that once gave me joy do not have the effect they once had. I love reading, but I don’t have the attention span right now to enjoy a lot of reading. I love cooking, but just the other night I accidentally fixed my husband a plate and put it in the microwave. Because my husband was rarely home for dinner, this is something I’ve done hundreds of times, but as soon as I closed the microwave door after placing the plate in there, the realization that he wasn’t coming home to eat supper made me not want to ever go in the kitchen again. I love writing, but somehow the words aren’t coming as easy to me as they once did. I love playing board games, but passing out cards for just the three of us seems so painful. I love watching sports, but every game is watched missing my sidekick. I love movies but they all seem so sad now. I love taking walks, but not only has the rain prevented long walks, the walks now seem so lonely and full of my own sad thoughts and worries.

Sunday morning, I awoke somewhat excited because for the first time in more weeks than I can count, I actually slept all night. It had stopped raining and I decided to be a little lazy and have a second cup of coffee rather than rush to church. I then started talking myself out of going to church altogether. Again, an activity that I love and my inner voice was trying to prevent me from going to church at all. In an effort to convince myself that I didn’t have time for church, I decided to take the dog on a long walk on the sunny, peaceful Sunday morning. The dog and I love to walk in the woods near our house at the start of Lawson Fork. As we walked I noticed something strange on the bushes and tree leaves. As I got closer to the bushes I realized that what I saw on the bushes and leaves was butterfly eggs. I was amazed at the massive number of eggs on the bushes and leaves.

I quickly thought about the number of times I have taught the life cycle of the butterfly to students. Stage 1: Eggs, Stage 2: Larva (or the caterpillar), Stage 3: Chrysalis, Stage 4: The Butterfly.  As I examined the butterfly eggs I remembered my Mom reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar to me and my sister. I remember my Dad helping me set up my first butterfly net in my very first classroom. Well, he helped me set up my second butterfly net since I had failed at the first attempt.  I remembered the jokes my husband would say under his breath while I read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to our own boys. I began to cry (an activity that I have gotten used to lately but not one I enjoy). But in that moment, I realized that I am just like that butterfly egg. I am not finished. I am not done. I am not pretty and maybe a little strange to others right now. But one day, I’ll come out a beautiful butterfly giving joy to others.

As I trotted back home to rush to get ready for church (and yes I made it), I started thinking about us at school. How often do we feel just like a butterfly egg? We know we have a purpose. We know we have a job to do, but it doesn’t seem very pretty. It is hard work. Some of those eggs are eaten by bugs, some don’t hang onto the leaves and fall to the ground unable to produce a caterpillar. Some are washed away by rain or killed by a late snow. Yet so many keep going and soon become a caterpillar continuing to fight hard towards its purpose of becoming that successful butterfly. But it’s hard. The caterpillar’s work isn’t much easier. They work hard…really hard. Then once they grow and change they then must form themselves into a chrysalis. And once again the caterpillar must work hard as it transforms into a butterfly. Then the butterfly emerges from the chrysalis and begins to flap its wings so blood will pump into the wings.  Soon after the butterfly will fly away and very soon after that a female butterfly will lay eggs on a leaf or a bush starting the process all over again.

This time of the school year is hard. The weather is strange. The kids are strange. The work is hard. Our level of expectation is higher. The level of independence for our students is higher which causes pain for us, the students, and the parents. Discontent sets in on all parts. We have so little time, but so much left to do. Once we were excited about how much the kids have grown, but we soon realize it hasn't been enough and the calendar albeit full is short. It seems like forever before we have a break and the calendar seems daunting. But give yourself time. This work is hard. This work seems sometimes as if we aren’t successful nor will we ever be. But give yourself time. Do not let the to do list stop your transformation. Do not let the pain of doing the right thing, stop you from doing what is right. Give yourself time. Do not forget that all the work, the struggles, the tears will be worth it. Give yourself time.

Just imagine if the butterfly gave up.