If not you, who?

This was not my intended Monday Musing for today……………..

I have satellite radio. It is one of the very few non essentials that I can’t do without. I love music-love all types, but more than anything I love talk radio. I also love being in a car for hours and not losing a station or having static on the station. On Saturday I was alone in my car for 8 hours.  Part of the time I listened to a football game (again on satellite radio…which is worth it alone to be able to be anywhere and listen to your team on the radio). During half time I switched over to a talk station and heard the terrible news of Pittsburgh Synagogue Massacre.  At first I thought they were discussing the bomb scares of last week, but I quickly understood that I was wrong.  I listened with such horror as again the sanctity of worship had been destroyed by hate fueled gunfire.  I wept as I listened to the mayor speak about this neighborhood, Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood actually.  I couldn’t understand the hate that led to such anger and violence.

Sunday, I attended the funeral of a 32 year old man who shot himself. The service was powerful but difficult. The music was beautiful. The pastor was inspiring, yet I left with such a heavy heart. I wept for his mother. I wept for his children. I wept for the mother of his children. As his sister spoke about him, I wanted to run to the front of the sanctuary and hold her. I couldn’t understand the pain that led him to do what he did, but I sure wish he had called me prior to him pulling the trigger.

Today, after dismissal, I had a voice mail from a friend of mine. She teaches at an elementary school in Matthews, NC, and her son is a student at Butler High School. A student shot and killed another student this morning in the hallway of Butler High School. My friend was upset. She was upset because her son knew the shooter. She was upset because this isn’t supposed to happen at school. She was also upset because her school was on lock down and he had no communication with her son for a couple of hours. She was upset because school resumed a few hours later. While I sympathized and listened, I could not understand her fear, her pain. I couldn’t understand a world where we would continue school hours after a student was killed.

I sat at my desk staring at what was my real Monday Musing for today and clicked the delete button. I had this overwhelming need to say a few things. And while this may not be educational, school leadership, or remotely related to the betterment of our school, I need to ask, “How are you?”

I have a friend who could be standing in a burning building holding a gas can and she would say, “It’s all good.”  When I know better, that is always her answer. Every single morning I greet 500 kids and a multitude of staff members as they enter the building. How many times do I ask each of those people, “How are you this morning?” Overwhelmingly the answer is “Good.”  I don’t believe all of them. I don’t believe the child who gets out of their car and their parent could not get off their phone long enough to whisper “I love you” or “Have a great day”. I don’t believe them that they are good. I don’t believe the child who I called DSS about on Thursday when the Mom’s not so nice boyfriend dropped her off in car line this morning. I don’t believe the teacher who I know is going through a dissolve of marriage. I don’t believe the teacher who hasn’t slept in days because their child has been sick. I don’t believe the teacher assistant who is worried about money because we pay them so very little.  You see, it isn’t the words “It’s good” that I pay attention to. I pay attention to the energy, the facial expression, the body language, the light, or lack there of, in the eyes, the sincerity of a smile, and the posture. I look to see if in fact it really is “all good.”

Then I worry. I worry if my awareness of all those things is enough. I worry if we’ve gotten so used to a fast paced Facebook, Twitter, Insta, Snap Chat kind of life that we all pretend that “it’s all good.”  

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with it NOT being “all good.” It is okay to not be ok, but it is not ok to stay there. It may be a difficult class; it may be issues in your marriage, aging parents, troubles with your children, difficulties with anxiety, depression, money worries, guilt, or health issues. Everyone struggles.  Having struggles doesn’t make you weak-it makes you human.

I needed anyone who reads this blog to know that it is okay to not be okay. But it is not okay to say something. My door is always open. My phone, while usually unanswered, will always call you back. My house is always stacked with coffee and comfortable chairs if you need to sit and chat. My prayer journal always has room for more names. My heart is big enough to help take on your pain.

When I see the struggles of those around me in just the last 48 hours, I wonder if those who caused so much pain to others were in pain themselves. We, as educators, sometimes take on the world. But, who, just who, is taking care of you?

My sister was sick last week. I only found out because I needed to drop something off at her house and had a free afternoon to run to her house. I was so mad when I caught her on the couch at what looked like her deathbed. When I asked her why she hadn’t called-I could have at least brought soup or clearly more Lysol- she stated, “You’re so busy. I didn’t want to bother you.” This crushed my soul. Do I give that vibe off? Am I so busy that I don’t know someone needs me?  I looked at her and she repeated something my father always said to us, “If not you, who?”  Please know no matter your struggle, no matter your pain, no matter your fear or hurt or anger, I’m never too busy. I truly believe “If not me, who?”

Again this wasn’t my intended Monday Musing today. And I apologize for using this platform in this way, but possibly, just possibly someone needed to hear it.