Grown Up Christmas List

The other night, Rosebro2 and I were talking before his bedtime (who am I kidding, before my bedtime). He said that his entire life I’ve always asked what he wanted for Christmas, but he said that he could never remember a time when he asked me what I wanted for Christmas. In case my husband is reading this blog…the answer to that question is a Roomba….but Rosebro 2 and I started talking about the “Christmas list”. I told him stories of some of the things he has asked for in the past…like the year he asked for a duck pond and a toothbrush or the year he asked Santa to bring him a donkey and a goat. And I reminded him that as we get older our lists become very different.

I am lucky in my life to not really want for anything. Sure, I’d love a nicer car and a more updated home and exotic trips around the world, but really and truly I want for nothing. Yes, I want a robotic vacuum cleaner but I really don’t need it. As I was talking to Rosebro2, I explained that the things I wanted for Christmas were things that we couldn’t buy at the store.  He and I talked at length about what those things were and although he’s never heard the song, he said, so that is what we would call a “Grown UP Christmas list”. And he is right. I do have a grown up Christmas list.

This is my first Christmas in 45 years that I will not be at home. I know that my husband and I have built a wonderful, caring, loving home for our family, but I still consider my parents' home to be home. In fact, I no longer have a Mom or a Dad or a “home” to go home to and it hurts. I have a son who is suffering from a terrible disease. I can’t fix him and the medications that can are hurting his body. And I am his Mom. We moms-we fix stuff.  I have a friend who is hurting and I can’t make the decisions for her that she is faced with and it hurts my heart. I look around this staff and I see broken hearts, broken dreams, and worry and fear. There are days when it is so bitterly sad what we adults are dealing with.

Then I have lunch with a group of students. These kids asked me “What do you want for Christmas?” I started to try to explain to them the whole “Grown up Christmas list” thing to them and they wanted none of it. In fact one of them said, “Seriously, Dr. Rose, you’re in a Grinch costume, eating a Happy Meal (a parent had brought it to me..I love Happy Meals), and you want to start being an adult now? How about be a kid for a minute.” She had never been more right. I sat with them and started talking about my list. We laughed and laughed when I told them I wanted a narwhal onesie. They didn’t blink when I told them I wanted a motorcycle, or an ant farm, or surfing lessons. I belly laughed the entire time. I watched as they searched for off the wall items to "wish" for as gifts. For twenty minutes these students reminded me that I already have my Grown Up Christmas list-I've just been too busy or preoccupied to realize it.

I am surrounded by the future every single day. These amazingly funny, bright, caring young people gave me my Grown Up Christmas list. No, they didn’t take away my sadness from missing my parents this holiday or cure my son or take away my friend’s pain, they gave me the gift of fun and of laughter and reminded me that we grown-ups are often focused on the wrong thing. Be a kid, she told me.

So as we head to this last week before the holidays, I share her advice. Be a kid. As adults we forget to let our hair down, to dance, to sing when the mood hits us, to play tag, be outside, to blow bubbles, to act silly, to play a game, and to eat ice cream for dinner.  I wish each of you a joyful and wonderful holiday, and I hope it is full of fun, laughter, excitement, and everything on your adult and your kid Christmas list.