Broken Hearts

Very early in my teaching career, the Columbine school shooting massacre occurred. This made us all uneasy about school safety. Discussions began about a safety plan, we had our first active shooter drill, and we had meeting after meeting with our administration about what would we do if….. I remember thinking then that my school administrators, as wonderful as they were, really had no good answers to some of the questions that we, teachers, were asking. My classroom, at a very old school, was outside the main school building. The door to the rest of the building was some 150 feet away from my classroom and was unlocked each day from open to closing. The school itself was less than 50 feet from a major highway. It was not a safe situation any way you looked at it. Each time I asked my principal, the what ifs, he could never give me an answer that helped ease my anxiety. He was, in fact, doing the best he could do to answer the questions of how you keep 800 students and 100 staff members safe in the event of an active shooter within the sacredness of our school.

Fast forward 20 years and I, now, am an administrator. I have students, staff, and parents asking me those same questions. Wednesday morning, I buried my father after his death caused by a drunk driver-a year to the day that I buried my mother. Wednesday was an emotionally draining day and as I climbed into bed Wednesday night, I turned on the TV to see that once again another school shooting had occurred and many lives were lost and many others were effected. I became scared. Even though I believe that my own children are safe at their schools, I simply can’t have much more loss in my life. I ordered bullet proof bookbags for them. I used to teach my children to be big boys and now I teach them to be smaller targets. I talked with them about what to do, how to react, where to go, and how to stay alive in the event of a school shooting. I have talked with them about talking to adults if they hear or see something that concerns them.  And I am a school administrator! Should I not be reassuring my children, that their school is safe and this will never happen in their school?

I thought about Martin Luther King, Jr. He is one who I quote often. One of my most favorite quotes from him states, “Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?” You see, in the days and weeks to come we will talk about gun control. We will talk about making our school safer. Both subjects are things I feel compassionate about. I believe that guns are not bad; although, I will never understand why anyone needs an assault rifle unless you are military. I also believe that we can never make our schools safe enough. I welcome questions on how and why we do what we do. But at the end of the day, each of these school shooters, are disturbed people. At the end of the day, what are we doing for them? How are we helping those who need help? Are we paying attention to those who are showing us signs of disturbance? Are we looking for signs of mental illness, depression, anxiety, or a hosts of other problems? Are we teaching students academia as well as how to deal with emotions? Are we using adverse childhood trauma indicators to project help for students? Are we helping those students who are lonely? Are we really addressing any bullying?

As an administrator, I want to have answers to all the questions. I want to make you all feel safe and protected. Parents give us their most prized possessions. They give us their hearts every single day. That trust is something I don’t take lightly. It is why I don’t apologize when folks get mad about some of our safety procedures-and yes I will continue to lock that gate each morning immediately at 7:50am. It is why I lose my stuff when a door is propped open. It is why I don’t tell everyone every part of our safety plan-not everyone needs to know all that we have in place. It is why we practice lock down drills. Yet, what am I doing for those students who are sad, who are angry, who show signs of being hurt? You see, I fully believe that we don’t have a gun problem, we have a heart problem.

My heart has been broken in a million pieces in the last 367 days. I am lonely-not many people have experienced what I am going through. I feel picked on in some way. I am angry at the man who killed my father. I am hurting. I feel broken. Yet, I am not going to hurt myself and others. Why? Because I had amazing parents, wonderful teachers, and wise mentors who have helped through the years to give me tools to deal with my emotions. I also have a deep faith and I know that my God will not leave me. Not all children have that background. Not all children know how to deal with emotions. Not all children know how to respond to brokenness. While I still don’t have all the answers, I know the right questions-what are we doing for others?