Difficult Conversations

Last Tuesday morning, I woke at my normal 4am and convinced myself not to go to the gym (the only time it has been a good thing for me to miss going to the gym). Instead I watched the replay of the National Football Championship game. My husband woke up at his normal 5:30am and in just a few moments, I realized something was wrong. Before too long, my husband collapsed.  Unable to speak or stay conscience, I was highly concerned what may be happening. In my mind I wondered if he had had a stroke, or a heart attack, or maybe even worse. Unfortunately I have spent way too much time this last year in hospitals and waiting in the ER was a mixed bag of emotions. As my husband was wheeled into a CT scan, a very nice lady came into the ER room where we had been assigned and began asking me questions. She had such a gentle nature about herself and her questions seemed to be of great concern for my husband and for my well-being and somehow she was able to ask me questions about his insurance and before I knew what was happened, she was asking for my debit card to pay the deductible. I was astonished that even though I had no idea how my husband was doing and what we may be facing, that this lady who scammed her way into our room was able to get me to pay her! At the time, I really didn’t care what it cost or how many of my debit and credit cards I had to give her if it meant we would find an answer.

Let me pause here and just say….my husband is now doing fine now after a 3 day hospital stay and lots of medication AND tremendously wonderful care of Spartanburg Regional Medical Center. It turned out that he had the flu and pneumonia. The incoherence and inability to speak was due to his fever being almost 105. 

Later that night as he rested and I sat by his bed in the hospital, I thought about that lady. She was awesome at her job. Can you even imagine how difficult it must be to ask folks for money when they are dealing with a medical situation with their loved one?  I was stunned and really didn’t care, but I am sure there are those who don’t have the money (I’m lucky to be able to pay our deducible), there are those who are offended that the hospital wants money so quickly, and then there are those who are terribly emotional.  As my boys would say, “she got skills.”  She had a difficult job, but she handled it beautifully. She started by asking me how I was doing. She asked me all about my husband’s symptoms and then she told me how wonderful the ER staff was and gave me so much confidence in their abilities. When I told her I was just a little anxious because of the past year and the death of my Mom and the life altering illness of my father, she assured me that I had done everything right by getting my husband to the hospital and again reassured me how wonderful the hospital was. She never promised me that my husband was going to be okay. She never gave me false hope. She gave me facts after establishing a relationship.

It made me think about difficult conversations at school.  A lot of times, folks ignore these difficult conversations. No one likes controversy. No one loves to say things that may make someone feel under attack or that may be challenging. Yet, it is a part of our jobs. The simple truth is this: How we present information is just, if not more, important than what we present.  Our words are so very powerful.  Along the way, I’ve learned many tools for difficult conversations and the business office representative from the hospital taught me just a few more. First, she had a goal when coming in to the room. She needed my money. Before we meet with a parent, we need to have a goal or an outcome in mind and it isn’t about winning, it is about the child. When she first came in, she stated who she was and where she worked, but it didn’t register with me. After some initial kind talk, she stated her purpose. It was direct, it was not unkind. It was factual. She then allowed me to respond. We have to be willing to listen and hear another perspective….and really listen to understand….not waiting our turn to speak again. She listened as I rambled on and on about not having his insurance card and not knowing if I should give her my debit or my credit card. She then responded in turn and gave me great explanations. She became a problem solver for me. In difficult conversations, if we have a goal, we can always help become a problem solver for the parent. And in the end of any difficult conversation, it should conclude with an acknowledgement of what you’re going to do next. What steps are you going to do to help the person you’re talking to. Not one thing can make difficult conversation fun, BUT with skills we can always make them better.