Saturday did not go as I had planned. I woke up Saturday morning with a fever and a horrible feeling that I was swallowing glass. By mid-morning I knew I needed a help and usually in our home that means my husband calls one of his doctor friends. Yet, on this day it seemed no one was available to help me so I found myself at one of those “Doc in a box” urgent care places. As I was in the waiting room with many other coughing, aching folks (my true definition of torture), I picked up a dated magazine and started flipping through the germ infested pages. I came across an article titled “All alone in a crowded room.” The article caught my attention for the mere fact that I find an oxymoron interesting. Call me a literary nerd if you wish, but the use of this literary technique will get me each time. It could have been the fever, but I thought this article to be interesting in that many people often lack companionship even when they are in a relationship-albeit with a spouse, friends, and even a workplace.
The more I read, the more I started agreeing with the very oxymoron that first enticed my interest. I realized I was reading about me in so many ways. When I was in high school, I started thinking about colleges-early. Most of my friends were worried about boys and teasing their hair higher than the day before while I was trying to find the best small college that would prepare me to be a teacher and would not cost me a fortune. When trying to discuss this with my friends, they would roll their eyes and sing Cyndi Lauper to me (Girls just wanna have fun). While in college, I was shocked by my friends who were able to blow off class or stay out all night before a big test. I was no prude, but I often was surrounded by folks who were just not as focused on goals like I was- in fact I very rarely found anyone who had goals. I often found myself lonely with no one to talk to about measurable goals and my future. My first teaching job was in a school with many young teachers who were young mothers. I had little in common with these ladies and most of them were 7:30-3 teachers which left me alone in my planning, reflections, and difficulties as a first year teacher. Just recently, while completing my dissertation, I had many folks in my cohort either not finish, “take time off”, or drop out of the program altogether. In fact, I was the first in my cohort to finish. Many didn’t understand my commitment level and I was even judged for the amount of time I spent researching and writing in an effort to get finished. Others in my cohort were working on their dissertation slowly and were not willing to give up or sacrifice an entire year of their life the way I did. I am not saying either was wrong or right, it was just very lonely to call upon my friends for help and all I got “you’re trying to do too much” rather than the help I needed. As an administrator, I work in a building with 64 other folks each day and have more conversations in some days that I can even count, yet there are moments when I feel all alone.
After my diagnosis of strep, I was waiting at the pharmacy for the drugs that would hopefully end the idea that I would never be able to swallow again. As it is in our small town, I ran into three JBE kids while waiting all wanting hugs (I politely declined). One student who was in the pharmacy is a difficult little booger. He tests his teacher every day. I struggle with ideas on how to help him with his problems although I know what is causing it-a very bad home life. This little guy wouldn’t take no for an answer and was sitting in my lap before he left. While I must say my first thought was I could be giving his teacher an early Christmas present by gifting this student with strep- we all know even our best students lose their minds the week before winter holidays, I also started feeling a little sad. A man sitting next to me at the pharmacy, having watched three students come talk to me, while all I really wanted was a blanket and a bed, said “I bet you can’t wait for the holidays”.
This is where my loneliness started creeping back. This man has no idea. Yes, I love the holidays. I will not miss 7am car duty. I will not miss coming to school in the dark and leaving in the dark. I will not miss getting 60-100 emails every day. I love getting to spend uninterrupted time with my boys without the daily battle of schedules, homework, and grades. I love getting to go out to lunch, to a real restaurant, and catching up with my non-teaching friends. I love watching football every day. I love going to the movies at 2pm. I love staying up past 10pm and sleeping late. But I what I do not love is not seeing our students for two weeks. I worry about many of them. I worry that some may not have enough to eat. I worry that some will not be supervised well. I worry that some will have grave disappointment on Christmas morning. I worry that some will go two weeks without hearing positive thoughts, words, or ideas. I worry that some will move and I will never see them again. And I feel very alone for feeling dread rather than elation for Friday. As you enjoy your two week holidays please remember our students and ensure them that this week is wonderful, safe, and inviting. They may be very lonely until they return.
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